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Posted in Short reads

Evil Lore project

Lightning strikes when the heavens pour its soul beneath the earth, the glimpse of light shone between the strands of her hair, blind with fear and madness the woman approaches the undented place. Her eyes are bright, shining red and smiling aimlessly to narrowed her vision. She’s incomprehensible volatile woman. She holds in her arm a piece of a remnant seems to be pieces of dolls.  the woman walked in the building four pillars, a little staircase in front- seemingly an old house, big enough to be considered a mansion.

She walked suffering from fatigued- the woman had no choice to walk looking down her feet, the beat of her heart is her melody to power her last will to survive the storm. Both arms embracing her dolls, she passes the boarder gate. before a few glimpses of darkness covered her sight. The last image flashes to her head, as a man in a suit hiding in the back light of the called establishment, stand before her. The woman frown to her knees and begged the man to save the remnants she holds dear. Not long, her consciousness eaten by the mysterious mist that hovered her eyes.

The late Comedy.

Milady you’re awake, I hope you had a good sleep. He whispered while holding her hand as if they know each other long. The lady forces her lid to be awake but seems her body is controlling her.  Her mind is awake but she can’t mutter a word. Her body speaks rest, while her mind shrivels in confusion and questions.

Where am I? who is this man? Why. Who am I?

The man lean closer to her, to give the woman lying in bed a better vision of his face, the man seizes his arms to help her touch his face, eyes, lips, and cheeks. Her heart flutter when she slightly had a vision of a beautiful man, gentle, soft and mostly seducing voice. The man in a black suit seems to appear as a gentleman with his slight lowered pair of glasses.

A knock, startled the man and gaze back on the door, as a woman, approaches him with pair of clothes and shoes.

Lady, the day must not wake- I will guide you to your new home. The man tethered in excitement, almost losing his gentle mature voice. Like a child. She was both in awe and confusion although she had no plans, her memories seem to be in shattered, the more she thinks about it the more her vision loosen.  

I must leave you, for now- the maids will escort you back to me when you’re ready. The man caresses her hand and gently kiss the back of her palm, only gazing to her eyes. Leaving both their gaze interlocked with awe and shuffle.

Past noon when the lady finally gained her strength to stand up, a maid named Yui tending to her breakfast and brunch did not leave her no room to breathe, the woman knew these maids causes a little discomfort to her. Yui with her gentle, childish like voice, once again asked the woman if she’s ready to walk.

The woman responded with a nod. Yui stripped her and assist her to bath. The woman has considerable memory of having similar treatment, as if she was a royalty before. The woman didn’t feel awkwardness nor dismay on how Yui treats her.  

                Yui dressed her, as of the woman didn’t move a single muscle to lay effort on dressing herself. Milady you have such a beautiful skin, your fingernails is white as snow, I ought no disrespect but- what may in heavens brings you here, covered in shack and filth? The woman breathes slowly releasing her breast from the tighten corset, she looked down wondering the same question. There! Milady you’re all done and finish, green suits you verry much, master have such great taste in dresses and fashion. Yui, hold you leaning closer to a mirror. Her vision is still a little fazed, but she can see her figure, the woman smiled.

                This way Milady, I will lead you to him. He had us gathered for your afternoon date. The woman confused, although she may have been in an unfamiliar place she still, had no idea where to pick herself up from the moment she wakes up. She followed Yui and she was welcomed by a loud crowed in the hallway.

                It didn’t take the woman long enough to realize that the building as a place for royal residents to stay, hence explains her accommodating maids, and food. Although, she still feels off thus, her treatment feels personal and planned. The hallways end with a very prestige receiving area used for big event such balls or charity parties for blue bloods. Everyone is mysterious and very pristine, almost like powder in a sand timer, very fluid.

                Yui walks in front of her, and by the end of the next hallway Yui led her to a huge, red and gold door, well detailed and eerie almost antique. She is here master. Yui spoke, she bowed herself down to the finest floor. As if she was facing a god.

                The taps on his heels, ringed in the woman’s ear, she knows the man is approaching.  Lasciami in pace Yui the man spoke, the woman can’t understand what he said. But Yui seemed to know what to do. Yui closed the doors facing the room still bowing to her knees. Pleasure to be, master.

The woman shriveled as if she knew the man was after. What does she mean by that?!  She thought to herself, she seemed to be deaf and cannot raise her voice. Her knees, start shaking as if she was in shackles, walking back away from the man. Her lack of sight trampled her gown and she fall to her knees, the man giggled, the man loosens up his clothes and put away his gloves. Dementing to her past the woman feels like she has been in this situation, her hopelessness and fear, she struggled in terror.

The man approaches her on the floor, although she expected an attack the man holds her chin with his bare bold hands. Don’t be afraid milady no harm shall be upon. He grinned as he tried to mocked her position.

‘don’t, touch me…’ the woman pleaded, she covered her face with her arm and start to feel the burst of fear controlling her body. You can speak, glad you can respond. The man holds her waist and embrace the woman. I welcome you home dear. The children await.

                The woman dead confused to her soul, she don’t know hat this man is and where she is… come what may to her.

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Posted in Letter, Short reads

Puffy

For once there is nothing up my sleeve.
just some scars of our heart,
that used to trouble me.
I use to run.
outside out on the sun- I am here waiting for you to come home.

“I..am waiting for you to come home.”

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Posted in inside a Mind, Short reads

The recent misfortune of our God given year 2020..Oh damn it’s still going….

“the world is full of it- full of bullshit”- me

    The recent misfortune of our God given year 2020 dived me into abyss of dissolution and panic hysteria. Kidding. The part the loses me about these unfortunate events made me realize that there’s a lot of things that had been taken for granted which I already assume in uniform; that we all have felt it the same way, it’s just that we’re all aware that we’re wasting time like lining up for McDonald or literally scrolling on Tiktok but not appreciating every bit of seconds that had passed in pursuit you get that instant gratification of food and attention. Relying to social media to made a pause of our lives and let the media dictate how the days go for us. Same to working and studying, driven by some force of nature to run buck wild with deadlines and just get eaten by responsibility itself, and what we gain in the end? “Existential crisis in mid-20’s” yes. I’m not 25 yet But I know how it’s going sound weird but I know how it felt the way most in mid’ 20s do. *sarcasm* It’s the loss of pursuit in a goal for me, /s it’s the hope and dreams for me– then suddenly showing its real skin with a bit of sour taste in it.

            Two ways to look it- is pointing out WHAT I’m “going to be” and “I’m not going to be” – ‘woah? I sound like Shakespeare, but yeah kind of like that’.

The utter disturbance of foreseeing future and balancing the life you have now to me is terrifying and have some audible comfort around it. To live the way we are now, but to expect what must come after that, and to able to pursuit future is to arrive in a definite reason to “what a person should live a life in its full potential”. It’s a surprising upkeep, but all I do this quarantine is to live with the skills I have and pursuit no greatness but knowledge. Every movie I watched in Netflix always have that “greatness and wonder” in it, But I have no intention to fly over space or conquer England, it just fascinates me to see the “Ifs” of every film that made me explore and widen my square brain. I’m dumb.

I lie to myself every day, faking the way confidence is way to go, said that guy on YouTube I never knew about- but ‘its yOuTuBe’ said my brain. But somehow, I manage to realize all have been doing is just self-fulfilling fallacy, lying till you own THAT lie that was spark from lie and in the end, nothing is true and we’re all bunch of fake hooligans. Kidding.

            At night what keeps you awake is the motivation you work for the last 5 years of your life. “No sh*t” I said to that one book I read on discord. But I asked myself again. Just like you should ask yourself (I meant the one who’s reading- I apologize this is so long) – like I said you should ask yourself what keeps you at night and what are these “thoughts” was because it is your reason to live tomorrow, but not for the day after that. It’s just for tomorrow- coZ GHorl we own it. Sorry humor is dead, and Joking is now being cancelled in Twitter.

 If you know that one turtle sensei in Kungfu Panda that say “today is a gift that is why it’s called present?” then yeet himself out of existence before passing out his staff to Master Shifu? That was a famous line I want to achieve. This world is so full of its own, it’s a spilling tea and it’s getting cold, bitter and getting distasteful by every hour we spent without drinking it when it was poured, because we’re waiting for something we aren’t even sure coming.

            I love to end this essay- that will be also posted in my Blog in secret- that My greatest weakness is not able to use time efficiently- but me. Just me- coz I learn the way the world circle around the sun and my mother actually like Netflix adoption of Avatar: Legend of Aang. It was stupid. Life is stupid- and most people think that THAT just it and I do too, that there could be a life out there and we can’t grasp it and the If’s of the films, the Constant gaining knowledge, yet nothing is true and it was all base of pursuit in greatness. By the end of it all- it was only Faith to humanity and some God Christianity pulled me to believe there’s is a person in Gas form that supposed to be my Dad and own all the Gucci store in the world is the one that has unfailing love for me. I have a mental Disorder and I don’t like disclosing It I don’t even know if anyone would even read this but- thank you-I’m looking for this semester to pursuit of wonder not deadline.

-T

Posted in inside a Mind

Toxic behavior

My toxic behavior.


There is a wide spectrum between having a mental illness and being an asshole in a situation. By means of using a definitive mental state where years of psychology dedicated their lives into solving. There are people who exist in this world that uses the general signs of mental illness as an excuse to get away with anything. Honing sympathy from people who had gone most the same but you’re just two steps ahead of reasons.
Although psychology had a long run of studies, the mind is a persistent unquantifiable theme in studies. There’s no way we can put a human psyche into number or item to actually get the value we needed and put them into equation and thus a solution. But it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The way people study the mind is in projection and consistency. The way a human mind is connected and the idea of us all humans we’re of the same link one way or another.


According to Abraham Maslow, he proposed a hierarchy of humans needs in motivating behavior, thus in simple terms that of a person is in need to survive a human being needs a sustainable reason to live, like a hunter motivated to kill a rabbit- and if there’s no rabbit the hunter will continue to look for more suitable replacement- just to keep this desire of motivation to exist with purpose of “hunting”.
But what if there’s nothing to hunt? It’s just the hunter in the forest with no food and water? What else could there be?
In Moslow’s hierarchy of need the psychological state of a basic human being is to survive food and shelter, going up to security which covers assets and safety, then social which involves relationships then to esteem which second to the tip of the hierarchy which covers your self worth, values and confidence- then in the tip of everything is Self accumulation called fulfillment.

Moslow’s hierarchy of need

Seeing this drawn many studies that human happiness depends on value of money, social life and achievement- to Moslow money and safety is needed to get self fulfillment. You need to do the basic task to get the higher reward.
I believe in this and many people stop in the third stage, which is social- many people find reason of happiness in relationship and ignoring their self worth after, defying themselves and relying their happiness to other people.
Here is where I came in. I don’t want to be other people’s reason to be steady in the 3rd stage, I don’t want to be the very reason people stop living their way up to their full potential just because they are contented in social relationship. Thus I consider myself toxic to others and some people find it annoying I just disappear when they’re full emotionally dependent on me, while the whole time I am depending on them.


Theirs is no way I can tell someone is dependent to me, but I know when to stop coming from my end. This comes with a bitter end that I’ll just slowly back away from the shadows and see them prolly grow apart from me or grow more bitter and surround their contempt of me leaving. Theirs is no way of telling from my end that is WHEN I know it’s time.
Although my reason to leave or suddenly disappearing means I don’t carry no guilt of being a ghost, no… I carry everything on my shoulder and it’s my out most joy if I see people just grew out of their comfort zone without me. Although the burden builds up and this is the part where I am the victim of my own toxic mindset.
When I wanted to stay more yet- I felt like it’s no use of staying because of the guilt I built up. The guilt that this person will definitely going to rely on me and one day or another I’ll disappoint their outward love to me.
For a person who just want to be happy I wanted nothing but happiness for myself and inner peace- I thought I know what love meant when I was 18, but there’s an obscure reason that I was dumb founded and I was left in the shadows the way I treated the people in the past. I rely to them and eventually they left and I have no means of reason to survive hence death was now in my goal.
But slowly I’m try to break out from the 3rd level and some- with new people and new goals, the schema I build over the years of trauma is suddenly healing. I had that state of mind but I’m not sure if I’m doing what was in the past or I am now my own person.


What means to live by just existing? I don’t want to bullet my past as to regret what I have now.

Posted in Letter

Unpublish Letter 3

Dear love,

The night had engulfed my mind, and I began to dream of you again… How many times have I told myself that I won a debate only to realize that I was wrong, embarrassed to admit that I was wrong…you’re the only sane and only one I would ever love the way I did.

I was toxic… I was a horrifying memory to most

I was a fuckup, and I felt bad that you had to deal with all of it because of me. I can’t imagine being around someone, let alone you; I’ve lost my desire to engage with another human being… Maybe it’s just my fate..? seeing you excel and achieve your goals at the end of the line

I had only one chance and I lost it with you, I’m alright, to be honest- or… I don’t know if I’m okay… What’s the end game for a person to say they’re okay again?

I’m fine… I am emotionally healing and still active looking for guidance and cure. I am getting better to understand where and what I am wrong. All of the sudden, every time I realize something it made me loath to what things I could’ve wronged you. It was always my fault and … everything I touch.. I ruin it.

Maybe the fun stopped when you left, but my heart still beats with the thought that you’ll be waiting for me…just. It’s all an if. I didn’t quit writing, painting, or doing something else you said you liked about me… I quit doing everything you despised, with the exception of swearing, which I manage to get around by using satire. I continue to make an effort to live the things you thought were amazing for me.

even so.. I was struck by news or, more likely, a realization: I’ve wronged you, I owe you a lot, and you probably hated it. I can’t seem to find my worth with anything I do- I’m confused and in need of guidance.

I wasn’t as… strong, but look at how far I’ve come in my arts! in my illustrations… I’m sorry I had to warn you I was failing; it wasn’t your fault; I’m sorry I pushed you to do something you later regretted… It’s something I regret as well.

Now that’s all is there… All was left was Me sitting on the docks waiting for a ship that sunk long time ago. It was fun while it lasted.

The letters will never reach you anyway..

Loving you.

Posted in inside a Mind, Short reads

My thoughts on panic attack.

Panic attacks are something that I can’t even put into words. Its fear,  it is the sensation of immediate need of air. It feels like the world appears next to your restless dead body, it’s mind boggling as well. It’s driving your mind to move forward and do something but your body isn’t going anywhere. Knees shaking, eyes crying, can’t talk- your jaws seems to lock itself into that position of shock- cold sweat, numb bones and your muscles just lost all its iron. Its fucking discomforting, and you’ll end up thinking everything you did that leads to the position you are in right now.

Of course I see you on the other end saying “you gotta be kidding me it’s way different for me”–First of all- fuck you-  but yes its all different for everyone, and you are right it is different from you- coz we don’t have the same motivation in life, probably you had it worst and probably I’m over extending myself into breaking the fourth wall. 

“When there is no real threat or obvious cause, a panic attack is a prolonged experience of extreme anxiety that causes serious physical reactions. Panic attacks can be very terrifying. You can believe you’re losing control, getting a heart attack, or even dying as panic attacks strike.”

The feelings are the same but the motivation is different- by means of motivation is the trigger and what stakes are on that trigger to cause you either up to hallucination or just completely passing out- all out considering if you have heart problems or some chronic sickness that can lead to more problems.

So why’d I have to write this now? 

This is so common now that I think it’s unforeseen death to many- I have panic attacks- way more often than it should be, my motivation is not as much painstaking as having chronic disease but it is deadly. I had a call in my university since my online form is not letting me enroll- “how in a crusty surface is that even a thing? what harm can a University fill-up form make you panic- it can be fixed!” You said, it doesn’t harm me but it lingers like a cologne-

I fear many things that will go off like a domino reaction alright? If I don’t get to finish things in a time allotted manner with bigger consequences at stake such as education, It will surely kill me at the end of that spike. Not having a job and family seeing me as a freeloader isn’t very ideal to my ego, and I overthink a lot and I don’t really take rejection much that lightly. That goes to many as well- in this time and age I was off to a good start but things gone failing when normal isn’t normal anymore- like sleeping schedule and diet, my mental health stability is decreasing by the day and what more for people who had it worse from me.

Even now as I am writing this I still fear something is after me. It lingers. 

Posted in inside a Mind, Short reads

Sour Souls

How I hated the sour bits of your words.
It means nothing when I was whole, But now broken pieces sheers open in wounds and its tears blood.
Like a pulp you bleed it in with sour bits of each lies, wreck and dissolution you made me..

The worst that I am.

I fonder and robbed the skin against the animals you murdered. For me it was art, now perspective shows.
Its shows.

“Murderer!”

Above the plateau I build worlds, beneath I build hell where I wish your body scar your skin. Its sheds.

I shed scales, and sour doesn’t penetrate my skin anymore.

“Please Die…”

You’re dead eyes. Made me feel powerless. I succumb to you.
I pray to you.

I’m done!-

[Heavy pause]

But not with you.

Posted in inside a Mind, Short reads

“That day I died”

To my honest and humble being, I wish I never knew what I know now. The catch of being ignorant means truth is harder to swallow.

Dear Cris,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. You are no longer alive in this universe, and I am forever longed for you. It’s been a year since you vanished, when you stood on the roof of our old flat, praying to the world to destroy you. None around you made sense, so you called your boyfriend, who had no idea what was going on. I’ve seen you both struggle as you wanted to accept each other’s shortcomings, when you were the one driving the boat and you felt he was a passenger who would wave goodbye as you left the fjord.

You all know it means “the end,” but it was foolish of you to think that one error would result in your demise; he abandoned you and said he wouldn’t return. I stood with you that night as you decided to end your life, and he begged on the phone begging me to save you, and I pleaded with you not to- but my arms were too late to hold you together.

The universe continues to spin as if you were never gone. You and the one you loved played hide and seek, but I was the one who had to bury you and bear whatever burden your family had to endure. I was there when you sat down and shouted his name, and I was there when you said your friends would forget you, I sat by you when you needed help.

Crissy I’m not ready to let go; I’m writing to tell you that I need more time and that I hope you’ll consider returning; the world will end soon, and the life you spare me will mean nothing if you’re not here. I was and always will be your friend, your family loved you, and the rest of the stories I spoke were always about you- I hope there is no part of Life that does not walk alongside you.

I wrote this letter to tell you that I discovered a way to cheat physics, bend space and time, and get you back to me—I’m confident you’ll be able to see this on March 16, 2020. Today, April 3, 2021 and hope to hear something in return.

loving you,

Klyde.

seen Mar 16.

Klyde,

Greetings, old friend, you are right. You succeeded in reaching out to me!, God… What, a year? and I’m still here. Thank god, because in my world, I’d never heard of the guy you’re referring to. I am in college, but I live in the province with my parents, and I am doing well in my Christian life.

I promise you that I will not take my own life too soon; I have dedicated my life to being critical, and even though I am a Christian, I feel like I need more understanding in my life. I have a strange feeling I know you, and I’m wondering if this is a joke. Is this the same Klyde I knew? Then do you really like gowns and making fun of the fact that you are drawn to men?

The Klyde here is  a gay man who was cheerful always jolly but which supported me. but we recently had fights and hopefully we will get along soon when we meet, you’re still new around in this period, and I am more than happy to welcome you as company, while it’s unfortunate that the world will end fast to your end, but I can’t help you.

Friends,

Cris

sent

*writing*

Posted in inside a Mind, Short reads

SUICIDE SCRIPT

[girl 18]

[26 February 2018]

[sitting in a room]

[she clenched her hands together]

*looked a the ring*

*she’s starting to forget*

[sitting in a room with a guy]

[pushed the table away, and stand up]

*one ghost appear happy*

[she walked away the ghost follows her, she closed the door]

[last glimpse with the guy]

*SIGH*

[BRIDGE]

*one more ghost appear a child*

[she looked into the horizon]

[she’s crying]

[the ghost is comforting her]

[she put her phone out]

[stared at it]

*another ghost appear*

*sigh*

[flash her phone screaming for help]

*ghosts arguing*

[crying-stopping her-patronizing her]

[she lean in the railings]

[she pulled her scarf and wore it]

[looks down]

*flash guy running ahead*

[she positioned]

[she jumped]

[Guy 18]

[Girl expired 26 Feb 2018]

Posted in Letter

Unpublish Letter 2

Dear..
Whenever the time strokes you well, I’m hoping this letter find you in a very good health.
Well-tonight I was famished by my mom’s all house keeping, though my work is less appreciated since I’d like to move around the house whenever she’s not glaring me with those “busy eyes”, Mom always never be kept in one place and–rather handy at most times.
Anyways you might find it adjacent that I will only to write you about Mom and my daily absene work,take that one home as a sarcasm.

Well today I’d rather not talk about many things that doesn’t go along the sun horizons, but ones kept inside and heavy around in my head.

As like the old times, Young time perhaps,I longed your smiles, and wished I’ve had a better way to view it, if memories can keep photographs, I rather had books of it just you laughing awkwardly. That one had special place in my noggin this days.

When I had to really meditate about going back in time and redoing everything I hoped started my most downing chapters of my life.
I had wished, in my make pretend to that I was still with you that night of December breeze, holding and wishing no jarring things can suspend that cold nights with you.

One thing In particular is walking miles from school to home. I really have no memory of being THAT tired when I walked with you. You’re that memory that makes it quicker to kept within– anything but joy.

But it takes what it takes… Memory comes regret of wanting it more. One cannot simply imagine happiness without knowing it was sad.

Maybe I wasn’t thinking about you lately,I am doing my best to forget you… And staying away from everything and everyone that reminds me of you, thus lessen that pain of wanting to hold you once again.

Loving you..